Beautiful, glorious words

“I tried to cast my mind back and bring up memories that could be transmuted into stories, but could only think of the richness of the world, of its verdant profusion – the delightful perfume that issues from queen-of-the-night as its flowers slowly open, the croaking of frogs, the silver light of the moon and the mysterious shadows, the swaying of the tree-tops and the way voices carry at night, the way a soft hip fills the palm of a hand, solid and comforting. Overpowered, I thought: we are blessed, and how strange it is that we can learn to hate even this, that we forsake these gifts and seek release; the sheets are cool and smooth below me, and this I am grateful for; surely, this must be enough, to feel these things and to know that all this exists together, the earth and its seas, the sky and its suns” – Vikram Chandra, Red Earth and Pouring Rain, p. 19.

Sometimes I think I forget just how much I have to be grateful for. Even the little things – listening to a happy song, reading a beautiful paragraph, the purr of my cat in my ear as I slowly fall asleep…

If I can’t see you in the future, I’ll see you in the pasture…

It’s amazing the truthfulness of the stuff you read on the back of toilet doors.  There’s one in the toilets at uni that says “Anything knowingly done for a final time, is always done with a measure of sadness”.  I think that pretty much sums it up for me at the moment.

I definitely feel like I am going through a phase of endings, and hopefully new beginnings too.  Last night was the Lucksmiths final gig.  It was wonderful, and I don’t think I’ve enjoyed a gig so much in a long time, but it did leave me feeling hopelessly nostalgic.  I fell in love to their music, and I suppose I fell out of it too.

Certainly feels like a chapter has ended and the time has come to move on.  The Lucksmiths are no more, it is nearly spring.  I have started to rebuild the CD collection and am taking Maude’s advice:

Harold: I love you

Maude:  Harold…that’s *wonderful*.  Go and love some more.

I think I’m ready to love some more should the right person come along.  I’m really lucky with the way things ended between me and Owen.  I got so much from that relationship and it ended at the right time.  It didn’t break me.  It made me a better person. The prospect that there might be another first kiss out there for me is a nice one.

Fuckity Fuck…

as Hugh Grant would say.  It all seems to be going to hell in a hand basket today.  Have started to freak out as the list of things I really need to do grows in my mind.  I’ve known I’ve needed to do all these things for some time, but for some reason it all seems urgent this morning.

I have been rather lax with taking the happy pills and today I find myself all out and cannot for the life of me remember where I put my script.  It is going to be a bad week – a punishment for the rather lovely weekend, no doubt.

All the self-confidence I spent years building up is slowly oozing away.  I had convinced myself that I was happy with who I am.  The slow realisation that I will most likely be single for the rest of my existence is not being received by me in quite the way I had hoped.

Now all those nagging questions start to creep in… Do I just reject all those feminine things because I know even if I tried I wouldn’t be pretty?  Do I just tell myself that I am happy with things because I am too scared to change?  What is it that I really want anyway?

I feel like I’m trapped in a Smiths song.

Home…

Today, for the first time in a long time, I am truly home.  I got a bed frame yesterday (cheers, O) and last night was the first night in about five and a half months that I have slept on a true, proper bed and not just a mattress on the floor.  I didn’t think it would make such a difference but it did.  This is my home now and I love it.  I am living (essentially) the way I wanted to.

I am finally enjoying the bliss of singledom, although it is tinged with some melancholy.  But the joy of listening to whatever you want, having time that is all your own, all this time to read and write and dream -  I love it.

There are things I miss, of course – mainly having someone to hug when you’re down, and waking up to next to someone you love, and someone who loves you.  But there is something blissfully liberating about waking up in a queen sized bed and stretching out sideways.

There is also a peace about knowing that you have done what is right.  And that is something I do know.  There are things I miss, but there is no sense of regret.  And there is also infinite hopes and dreams for an unknown, unmapped future.

My flirt with unrequited love was painful and not nearly as romantic as they make it out when they write about it.  And while I cringe at the girly-ness of myself, I am proud that I took the situation in hand, and I was honest and did not let the moment pass by (even if the moment did not turn out quite as I had hoped).

For a while it brought back those painful highschool insecurities, but I know I’m not that girl anymore.  I’m not content with being anyone’s second best or back up plan.  And I’m also not going to lose a true, close friend because of it.  I fucked it up a little but things are not unsalvagable.  And those feelings have not just gone away, but I’m not going to sit and wallow in my own hurt.  Maybe one day it will happen.  But it probably won’t.  I think I am starting to be ok with that.

Stoopid

Not doing so good recently.  The decision to start rationing my antidepressants so I don’t have to go to the chemist so soon may not have been the best one I have ever made.  Turns out they probably meant it when they said ‘do not stop taking this medication abruptly’.  Who knew?   Has resulted in some rather strange mood swings.  Or maybe they have nothing to do with the medication – who can say?  Not me.  I’m not a doctor.

I suppose I’m a bit mad at myself too.  I thought I would have had a bit more pride, or, at the very least, a bit more common sense.  I always prided myself on not being too ridiculously girly when it came to boys.  Seems I was saving it all up for now.

I really thought there was something going on.  I think there was something once… but I missed it.  And rightly so.  Now why can’t I just get over it and move on?

Oops…My life changed…

So, again it’s been a while…

Things are quite different now.  Almost everything is different now.

Me and Owen broke up mid January.  It was a mutual decision and we both know it was the right one.  Things are amicable, the children and possessions have been fairly divided and we are still good friends.

While ultimately it was not meant to be, I can’t help but be anything but grateful for what was, for the most part, a wonderful five years.  There are so many things that I gained from that relationship – self-esteem, independence, confidence, the courage to embark on a career I love, amazing friends, and lovely memories.

Of course, it wasn’t all rosy, because if it was we would still be together.  We had hugely different ideas about what we wanted from the future (and from each other).  Next time I’m definitely going for a homebody!

It just got to the point where the differences were causing too much tension and that was affecting everything else.  I guess it ran its course and we were lucky enough to have the sense to end it before animosity set in or before we impacted too much on each other’s dreams.

Things have been good since then.  I have had my difficult moments, but overall it has been easier than I anticipated.  Not to get too fatalistic, but life really does seem to provide what  we need when we need it.  When we first broke up I was absolutely stunned at how many people got in touch to see if I was ok – messages and calls from everyone from primary school friends, to friends halfway across the world!  It has been a real catalyst for getting reconnected with people I have lost touch with.

So now I am living in a great place with my friend, Melin, and Master Steerpike (who is currently rubbing up against my computer screen).  I am still loving my job, and I am starting to enjoy all those little things in life – a good podcast, a sunny tram trip through the city, a perfect passage from a book, an impromptu dinner with old friends.  I think life really is about those little things.  I hope so, because I’m generally not so great with the big things.

So that’s the general gist of the year goneby.  I’m hoping to get into the blogging a bit more.  I like the idea of a blog (it’s the practice that I have trouble with)!

Sour Times…

Feeling quite sure that no one is reading anymore, maybe I should just let it rip..

Not doing too great at the moment (and when I say ‘at the moment’ I mean for the past few months).  Last week, in particular, was pretty bad.  Had a horrible argument with O regarding housework on Tuesday – well, not so much an argument.  He did agree with me.  Then, on Thursday, had heated words with my boss regarding a stupid change that has taken place at the loans desk.  Also, nearly made mum cry by just being a complete bitch when she called me.  Spent most of the weekend crying, then Gypsy had another turn like the one she did at Easter and I was convinced she was going to die.  All in all, not good.

But as that horrible D:ream song says (whatever happened to them?) ‘Things Can Only Get Better’ or so one would hope.  Things are better between me and O; I did apologise to my boss, telling him I meant what I said, but didn’t mean to say it in the way I did; Mum would forgive me just about anything, bless her soul; and we took Gypsy to the vet and her death does not seem in any way imminent.  Unfortunately it seems that she probably has epilepsy, which is not great news, but at least we can keep an eye on it now.  The vet didn’t even think her fits were severe or frequent enough to warrant any medication, so fingers crossed that it stays that way.  It really made me realise how much I love her and what a huge part of my life she is (Gyper that is, not the vet).

Went to the doctor today and decided to go back on the happy pills (at least temporarily).  Can’t stand feeling so out of control with my emotions, and really would like to stop being such a bitch, if at all possible.  So, all in all, I haven’t been a very happy camper (now there’s an oxymoron if ever I heard one).

The Things I Did and Did Not Do…

My poor, neglected blog.  I can’t even remember where I left you last time

So, lately I’ve been thinking about how people say that they only regret the things they did not do, not the things they did do.  I simply don’t see how that can be.  I mean, in life, I don’t do much – I don’t take many chances, and there are still things I regret doing.  Maybe you have to be older to understand that saying.

I do get the part of it about regretting things you didn’t do.  I’m a big believer in that, particularly recently.  There was a job at work I probably should have gone for but didn’t.  I am probably wasting my life away watching bad television, eating bad food, and generally partaking in activities that don’t benefit me in any way.

I s’pose I’ve just been in a funk.  Even with this blog.  It was meant to be simple, with regular entries, that I was meant to publish before I analysed them to death to see whether anyone could possibly take offense to them (or fault my spelling and grammar – which I’m sure you can).  I think that is why I’m struggling with this.  I’m censoring myself too much, wondering who might be reading.  It is probably a safe bet that no one is reading anymore… so I’m going to try to let that go and just write, write, write.  Even if it’s shite, shite, shite, it will show some discipline if I can keep at it on a regular basis.

So there is another promise for me to break…

Happy Library Lovers Day

“Misery loves company but loves to be alone.

I am loving this book I have on loan.

I savour each sentence and wish it were my own.

I navigate through passages to find my way home.

I navigate through paragraphs to find my way home”.

-Emily Ulman, ‘Caught Between the Lines’

(Check her out.  She’s brilliant!).

Christmas ‘n shit (mainly shit)…

Wow, I was really adamant to keep at this thing and make it good, or at least, up-to-date.  I think the pressure of thinking that people might actually be reading this is getting to me, but I’d really like it to work out so I’ll persevere.

First a quick update: Despite the title of this blog, Christmas was quite nice.  (The title of the blog is due to the fact I’m feeling quite gripey and pissed off at the moment – but more of that later).  I took Christmas Eve off and me and O had a Christmas movie marathon, which was awesome; it’s only downfall being that we could not obtain eggnog for the occasion.  How a supermarket can run out of eggnog the day before Christmas, I just can’t imagine!  Anyway, we watched Elf, Knowing Me Knowing Yule (the Alan Partridge Christmas Special), A Muppet’s Christmas Carol, and It’s a Wonderful Life.  I was more of a sook than usual when watching It’s a Wonderful Life and started to cry about 10 minutes into it when Mr. Gower realises George has not delivered the medication he inadvertently put poison in.  By the time, Clarence got his wings, I was all out of tears.

New Year was a quiet one too.  We ended up staying home and watching the Big Train DVD Sara had given me for Christmas.  This also marked mine and O’s four year anniversary.

In other news, my Grandmother (Dad’s Mum), died in early 2008.  It wasn’t too much of a shock.  She was pretty old and had been bedridden for years.  In a way it was a bit of a blessing.  Mum and Dad went back to Malaysia for the funeral and are still there now.

At work I have started doing 12 hours a week in Document Delivery.  Doc Del is responsible for digitising course material and making it available online.  It also sources items that we don’t have in our collection from other libraries, at the request of students.  I think it’ll be good to get experience in another area.  Currently it’s just been a whole lot of thesis scanning, but even that’s a new experience.

So that pretty much sums up the end of 2007 and the start of 2008.  2008 is the year that I decided that my life goal is to be described as ’someone who does not suffer fools gladly’.  At the moment, I suffer them all too gladly.  I think I need to be a bit more assertive.  Unfortunately, in trying to achieve this goal, I’ve just become more and more pisssed off and bitter.  Anyway, best not to get into particulars, I suppose.  God knows who reads this stuff.

Also, last weekend I saw the incredible Rufus Wainwright at Hamer Hall with Nadia.  It was the best concert I’d been to in ages.  He was amazing!  Such an entertainer!  And oh what an encore!

Anyway, that’s it for me for now.  Hope to write again soon.